And finally, New Rule: The only time you should take a gun into a Sonic restaurant is when you're robbing it. (audience cheering and applause)
Yes, lately firearms enthusiasts have been taking their guns out to public places for playdates with other gun owners and their guns. And in the process, frightening lots of properly adjusted people in places like Sonic, and Chili's, and Chipotle, and Jack in the Box, proving once again that America's gun laws are worthless and sad. And that its dining options aren't much better. (audience laughter)
Now, the other thing that the open carry movement is proving is something I've believed for a long time — that no matter how crazy gun culture gets in America, never think it can't get crazier. I mean, what possible reason could a person have for bringing a semi-automatic weapon into Home Depot? You're there to buy a toilet seat. I doubt you will meet armed resistance. (audience laughter and applause)
You know, guns are legal. OK, we get it. It doesn't mean you have to scare the bejesus out of everybody. Chill out, Josey Wales, this isn't the Wild West anymore! Clint Eastwood is directing Jersey Boys now. (audience laughter and applause)
Look at this guy at Chipotle.
Now, you might not be able to see him because he's wearing a camouflage hat. (hysterical audience laughter)
But trust me, there is a man standing there. And I'm sure that he would say he's just exercising his rights. And by the looks of him, that's the only thing he's exercising. (audience laughter)
But what does he or any of these patriots imagine is going through the minds of sane people when they see this?? "Oh my, it looks like Vladimir Putin has annexed Chipotle. That's alarming." (audience laughter)
When eight nitwits walked into Chili's last month armed to the teeth — or at least where their teeth would be if they had any (audience laughter and applause) — a concerned mother asked, "What are you doing here?"
To which one of them said, "Representin' our Second Amendment rights. We lose them if we don't use them." Well, no, Cletus. (audience laughter)
Actually, you don't. They're Constitutional rights. You can't lose them. Perhaps you're thinking of frequent flyer miles. (audience laughter)
And you know, that's the thing about gun culture. There's not a lot of culture. It's mostly about the guns. And the problem isn't just that they're so legal in America. It's that they're so beloved. Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts — you're ammosexuals.
(audience laughter and applause)
And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! (hysterical audience laughter)
Because it completes you. Get a room.
You know, I love Tiffany lamps, but if I couldn't bear to leave the house without carrying one, they would lock me up! It's no secret I favor marijuana rights, but I don't go to the Olive Garden and blow bong hits into people's faces! (wild audience laughter and applause) Anymore. (hysterical audience laughter)
Here's a crazy idea. Try going out without your gun. I know there may be some separation anxiety, but just think how exciting it will be when you get home and there she is. (hysterical audience laughter) Oiled up and just wearing a holster. (audience laughter)
Now the silver lining in all this is these heavily armed flash mobs that have been alarming people in restaurants lately have managed to do what thousands of progressive legislators could not. They got guns banned. (audience cheering and applause)
Yeah, one by one, all these restaurants said nope, sorry, you can no longer take a gun into Chipotle, or Chili's, or Applebee's, or Wendy's, or Jack in the Box. From now on, if you want to die in one of these places, you're going to have to do it the old-fashioned way, by eating their food! (audience laughter and applause)