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Friday, March 28, 2014

Chris Christie's lawyers find him innocent

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. (photo: Emile Wamsteker/Bloomberg)
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. (photo: Emile Wamsteker/Bloomberg)


By Charles Pierce, Esquire

28 March 14

nd today, with the announcement that his lawyers have cleared Chris Christie, I am reminded of another longtime New Jersey resident...

Of course, I am being dreadfully unfair to intimate that Big Chicken's handpicked investigators might be the equivalent of those binders full of bullshit that gave the world the punchline that is, "Expletive deleted," but, seriously, who are we kidding here? His own taxpayer-funded bag job says that Christie's original alibi about a "traffic study" was bogus.

The taxpayer-funded report released Thursday concludes the September lane closures near the heavily traveled George Washington Bridge were intended to target a local mayor. But there was no evidence found that it was because the mayor wouldn't endorse Christie. The report finds that former Port Authority of New York and New Jersey official David Wildstein and ex-Christie aide Bridget Kelly were behind the closures.

So the closures targeted the mayor of Fort Lee for some other mysterious reasons, and Christie's staffers did it entirely on their own, and I am the Tsar of all the Russias.

Big Chicken's going to go on teevee with Diane Sawyer to attempt to rehabilitate himself, and I am sure that he will be a hit, because a lot of very important people are still invested in him to keep them from the realization that the Republican party is insane. The other, independent investigations will grind on anyway.

But Democrats say the report is incomplete because it does not include interviews with people central to the plot, including Bridget Kelly, the former aide who sent the message, "Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee." Assemblyman John Wisniewski, chairman of a legislative panel investigating the lane closings, also raised questions about the objectivity of a report on the governor commissioned by the governor and compiled by an ally. Like Christie, Mastro is a former federal prosecutor. He is a former chief of staff to New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, another former prosecutor who has staunchly defended Christie on talk shows since the scandal broke open in January. Several people in Christie's circle once worked for Giuliani.

That explains more than a little. Alibis deleted.

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