SOCHI (The Borowitz Report)—Russian
President Vladimir Putin said today that gay spectators should feel
welcome at the upcoming Winter Olympics but warned them against “any
flamboyant displays that draw unnecessary attention to themselves.” “The Olympics have always been, and should always be, about the
athletes,” President Putin said. “Any attempt by homosexuals to flaunt
their bodies in a way that is distracting, provocative, or arousing will
be frowned upon.” “Specifically, gay spectators should remain fully clothed at all times,
and resist the temptation to unveil their chiseled biceps or shredded
abdominals,” he said. “Furthermore,” he added, “under no circumstances should gays oil,
grease, or otherwise lubricate their torsos in an effort to highlight
their glistening, ripped pectorals.” He closed his remarks with one final warning for gay spectators in
Sochi: “Remember, this is the Olympics. It is strictly forbidden for you
to expose your thighs, buttocks, or especially your nipples, erect from
the frigid Russian air.”
Photograph by Alexsey Druginyn/AFP/Getty.
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